Eating Books

May 24, 2009

I’ve always considered myself to be well-prepared girl.  I’ve always been on top of my doctor’s appointments, paid bills on time – if not early, and renewed my license in plenty of time.  I applied to (several) colleges at the beginning of my junior year in high school, started planning my June open house in October, and had pretty much packed for Bethel before the summer had started.  When Andrew and I got engaged, I felt like I knew what the road ahead would look like.  I got out my giant white board and made enough lists to  wallpaper our house in.  Nothing was left unchecked, no one without a job and every loose end tied up.  These were all things that I was “ready” for – I knew what to expect, what to do next and how to proceed.

This feeling of adequate preparedness was not what I felt as I watched that horizontal, purple line quickly appear on the plastic stick that now embodied my urine sample.  Andrew in MN for long weekend and me all alone to deal with this new found information, I suddenly had no idea what to do next.  What can I eat?  What can I not eat?  When do I call the doctor?  What doctor do I call?  OMG!!!  Am I going to be sick?  My boobs don’t hurt – why not?  I wonder if it’s a boy or girl?!  Crap, what is Andrew going to say?  How am I going to tell him?  I am not ready to be a mom!  Did running that half marathon a few weeks ago hurt anything?  And so on and so on…

Days, and hundreds of Internet searches later, while Andrew and I laid in bed with this new knowledge revealed, I curled up into his armpit.  Silence fell over us as we took in the reality – or lack there of – and I found comfort again in knowing him.  With a dark and scary road ahead, at least I knew who I would be with and that he would be with me along the untraveled path. 

“The brain will be starting to develop in the next few weeks,” I told Andrew.

“You should be eating books,” was his casual response.

So, here I am, in a new, unknown place – blindly finding my way in a new world.  I’ve never been happier.  And maybe he’s right, maybe eating books would be beneficial for the both of us currently using my body as a home.  Seems I may not always be as prepared as I thought and I’m ok with that.  There is freedom in learning and I look forward to the months ahead of figuring this whole thing out.  Or not, and just taking it on day at a time.